PS... A Column
By Paul E. Schindler Jr.
Some things are impossible to know, but it is impossible to know these things.
October 26, 1998
I have a day job, so I need to make it clear to anyone who comes here that the opinions expressed are solely those of the author and do not represent those of my employer, my family, or your great-aunt Mathilda. Offer not valid in Wisconsin. You must enter to win.
Well, this got big fast. Who knew I'd need a TOC already?
And you never thought there'd be a second one. Well, I guess you were wrong, huh?
The slogan at the top of this column, the one about "Some things are impossible to know..." comes from the wall of the Infinite corridor at MIT. For a brief period during 1970-71, to cut down graffiti, white paper was placed on the walls of that hallway. That one caught my eye. It was the slogan of this column in its first incarnation, and it brought some luck that time, so it's back.
This is the kind of thing that makes me nuts.
This is exactly why I started this column up. Because otherwise people would think I was insane for talking back to the newspaper. And I might actually go insane, from reading this kind of ignorant yahoo-ism, and wondering--nay, knowing, that thousands of daily newspaper readers are swallowing it hook, line and sinker.
What else could I mean that the unmitigated load of hooey served up by Microsoft's chief litigator, John Warden, in his opening statement and early cross-examination of Netscape honcho James Barksdale.
I'm not an attorney. I don't even play one on television. But I am a well-informed layman, one who has covered several antitrust trials, and there are a few things I know for a fact:
By the way, even Bill Gates has conceded, in public, on the record, on multiple occasions, that versions 1 and 2 of Internet Explorer were marginal products, at best. In fact crappy wouldn't be too harsh a word. (Digress Here.)
The following quotes are from the San Francisco Chronicle of Oct. 21, 1998, in a front page story entitled Microsoft Disparages U.S. Case: It begins defense in antitrust trial
JOHN WARDEN SAYS:
``Netscape had what the government would consider a monopoly in the market for Internet browsers until the great Satan, Microsoft, came along.''
THIS IS HOGWASH BECAUSE:
No one, not even Microsoft, has ever tried to claim that Netscape leveraged some other product to obtain this monopoly or used illegal practices to maintain it. Unlike Microsoft, which had an operating system monopoly to exploit, Netscape started with nothing. Remember, a monopoly is not illegal; it's what you do with it.
LOOKS LIKE LEVERAGE TO ME:
Barksdale said Netscape ``learned that Compaq no longer intended to put Navigator on the desktop shortly after Microsoft threatened to cancel Compaq's Windows license.''
If you distribute their product, we'll withhold our vital product, one without which you cannot survive.
JOHN WARDEN SAYS:
Warden also suggested that the government is applying two different rules, one for Microsoft and another for everyone else.
THIS IS HOGWASH BECAUSE:
That is exactly what the nation's antitrust laws contemplate, and Warden knows it. This is so disingenuous that it makes my head spin. Microsoft is a monopolist, maintaining that power illegally and using it to leverage an inferior product into new markets, according to unrefuted evidence discovered by the government.
I found Jesse Berst's theory fascinating, so I am sharing it with you.
MICROSOFT'S SECRET STRATEGY FOR
This came in from my friend Neal Macklin, a long-time computer industry maven, who has worked for both Amdahl (mainframes) and Apple (PCs). We're fellow MIT alumni. He's got a well-honed sense of humor and has written some of the funniest satire I've ever read.
This time out, he's serious, about an overlooked story:
I'm not sure why this story didn't get wider play. Makes ISP monitoring efforts like Imgis/AdForce pale by comparison:what channels and shows you watched on TV!
Well, Neal, it's getting wider play now. Not a LOT wider, but still, wider.
My two bits: if you're concerned about privacy, get angry now, because later will be too late.
According to Jon Carroll, the most common phrase in Internet Mail is "I don't know if this is true, butů
Well, I don't know if this is true, but I liked it so much, I'm reprinting it here.
Trader sends market diving by leaning on keyboard
PARIS (Reuters) - Electronic trading may be cheap, but leaning on the keyboard can be costly.
A mystery plunge in the value of French 10-year bond futures on July 23 was triggered by a bank trader at Salomon Brothers in London who accidentally and repeatedly hit the ``Instant Sell'' button, investigators said Thursday.
A wave of 145 separate sell orders sent the price diving on electronic screens.
``The disputed trades arose as a result of the prolonged, unintentional and inadvertent operation of the 'Instant Sell' key,'' said an investigation by computer software firm Cap Gemini and security group Kroll Associates.
Salomon Brothers declined to comment on any losses.
The best comedy writing takes place in teams. Take my word for it. (Digress Here.). The ultimate expression of this show business truism on the Internet can be found at the Top Five List website.
Caveat: I am one of the lucky handful of people who are contributors to the Top 5 list.
Here's how it works. Every day, hard-working Chris White, the master of the Top 5 list, sends out a topic. Somewhere between 50 and 100 contributors make three contributions each by deadline time. Chris separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff (just kidding Chris...)
The result is some truly funny lists. I will reprint one here, one in which I "made" the list at No. 12. Of course, every contributor hopes and dreams of making number one, or of a "Hat Trick," when Chris accepts all three of your contributions. If you make the list often enough and high enough, you enter the Hall of Fame. Someday, someday...
September 14, 1998
2> Appendix -- Links To Other Hot XXX Sites on the Internettop5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we.]
Selected from 81 submissions from 31 contributors.
Here's what one of my recent submissions looked like (and none of these made it. Think how good the winners were!):
Top 5 Changes in the new $20 bill
xxxx>Hold it up to the light you can see Jackson doing the Macarena
I submit a lot of "Macarena" topics, and an occasional "Lambada." They rarely make the list.
So go, have a look, and sign up to receive the Top5 daily. Soon, the list will be on a (low-cost) subscription basis, so you get the top5 for free, and you pay for the rest of the list!
I love comedian Harry Shearer, whose weekly program, Le Show can be heard on Real Audio at his web site, www.harryshearer.com. It is also available on about 50 public radio stations, but probably not one near you (I mean, what are the odds). His books and CDs are great. I own all of them.
He is mentioned here this week because his Oct. 11 program contained a cogent remark about the political treatment of impeachment. The Democrats are looking at the big numbers (64% approval, more than half the people don't want Clinton impeached), while the Republicans are watching the little numbers-- Christian neo-conservatives, Neo-Christian conservatives, Neo-Christian neo-conservatives, hate Clinton and want him gone. Since both sides say "this isn't about the polls," that's the surest sign it is about the polls.
I think this is a virtually complete explanation for the actions of the House Judiciary Committee and the House with regards to the impeachment inquiry.
Of course, the only poll that counts is the one taken on Election Day. Unless of course, you live in California and can easily vote absentee without lying. At my house, Election Day was Sunday. I'm finished voting for this year. You're probably not. Vote early and often. If you're sick and tired of the whole thing, vote for Democrats. If you want another two years of wallow, vote for Republicans.
Harry Shearer says there's a move afoot to rename Santa Monica (whence his show originates) Santa Monicalewinsky. He's kidding. I think.
My friend Neal Vitale (who says he doesn't read this column because he doesn't want to be seen as encouraging vanity publishing on the web) tipped me to the arrival of an all-new Firesign Theater album: Give Me Immortality or Give Me Death. I haven't heard it yet (review will follow later).
Perhaps they were encouraged by the reaction to their 20th anniversary tour a few years back. I took my older daughter, Marlow, whose response was, "I've never seen so many balding middle-age guys with pony tails wearing tie-dye in my life." She was also interested in the smell that filled the theater. "Incense," I said, and changed the subject.
Among the places you can buy the album is my favorite spot for on-line music CDNOW. Don't bother telling them Paul sent you, I don't get a commission.
I knew I'd get letters eventually. I just didn't expect so many so soon. Thanks, and keep it up.
Harrison Klein, my once and future announcer, writes:
Always nice to read your material. Keep it coming.
Jeremy Barna of TechWeb had the same complaint. As it turns out, Microsoft Express (which I use for email) turns the URL into a clickable address without the http://, but apparently Macintoshes and Lotus Notes need a little help. In the future I will provide that help.
Neal Macklin, who led off the industry news section above, also had some nice things to say about the column. Neal allows as how he might offer some reader commentary in the future.
I won't run a lot of this kind of thing (although I did receive a lot of it), but Neal was nice enough to write:
Really enjoyed your column--I didn't realize how much I missed reading your stuff until now.
I won't have time for anything but short, Neal. Except maybe down here at the end in the letters column.
Joe Brancatelli of upstate New York, once editor of Information Systems News (the newspaper that became InformationWEEK) didn't ask if I would be carrying reader comment, he just supplied some. Since I'm the columnist, I get the last word, so there are some [bracketed] comments in his analysis. And some cuts...
Well, the Serbia thing is very tough for outsiders. There must be some madness in this region (I mean, the Croats were nazi hacks in WW2... It is very sad. [Joe, they still talk about battles from the 1300s as if they were yesterday. You think the Middle East is tough, try the Balkans]
3) Don't fall for the "reversal of two elections" crap. Regardless of what the Republicans may want, they can't reverse the election...[Motive counts for something. This whole thing is a Clinton-hater production, start to finish. They won't be happy until he's destroyed. I won't be happy until they are thwarted. God it feels good to say that in public.]
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